Sunday, December 12, 2010

So we had our production of "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever" this weekend. The first night (Saturday) went very well. But the second night (Sunday) was even better, especially the response from the audience. We all were so blessed to be able to be in a great play. I laughed, smiled, got frustrated, cried, stressed. Bryan and I were not sure if it was going to turn out sometimes, but it did.
The admission was to bring a canned good or dry food for out food pantry. Boy did God bless the food pantry through the admission giving. We have so much food to put over there.
As I was doing this play. I realized on Saturday night that my mom has never missed any of my performances I have been in, whether is be my beauty pageants, plays, or choir concerts, she was there. Now with sports due to work she had to miss a bunch of those over the years, but came to way more than she missed. But after coming to the conclusion early on that she would not be attending this performance, made my hard beat a little harder during my first monologue of the play and some tears fall after the play as well. We have an interesting relationship, but sometimes I need to have a little bit of normal, and her being there was normal growing up.
I think I did well and it was great regardless, but with her not being there I felt I needed that affirmation from a parent like person there. I of course heard it from Jamie (Bryan's mom constantly) which was great, and a few others. But there were two people who I hoped I would hear it from. I didn't, BUT tonight I did get a hug from one of them who never hugs me and I could almost feel God talking to me when it happend.
It was all very fast, but I felt him say this, "Amanda you are loved and you did great, BUT you do not need affirmation from the world, for you are my child, and I love you, that's what matters, and this play was NOT about you." Oh goodness "I hear you Lord." It's true. But God knows me and my emotional, sensitive heart so well that he preformed an act of love through a very important person in my life for me. Even if I should find my affirmation in him, he gave me that to know that this individual does love me.
God you are wonderful. Thank you for those things I may not technically need to live, but you know is the desire of my heart! Thank you for the talent of acting and performing. I love it and I'm ready to do it again.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

So most of you have probably seen the number event happening on Facebook these days. Well if you aren't familiar. People are giving random numbers to me or vice versa and I write in my status how I met them, memories and my thoughts on them.
I have realized that maybe I have had an impact on people while growing up. I think back to the small town I spent most my younger years at. I wonder if I have made an impression and positive memory for my friends there? Well during the number thing, I have reconnected with one of my best friends during those years, and I realized not only how much I missed her and loved our time together, but also that she didn't forget about me.
I also, during this number game, came to the knowledge of sometimes the people you think are some of your closest friends don't view me the same way. And it hurt for awhile, but it is ok. All my closest friend, no matter how they viewed me, all made a difference in my life and helped me become the person I am today, so I can't be so sad about it.
Well those are just some thoughts I've been having.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Here is my winter wonderland.

So I'm really having withdrawals from the snow in Iowa, so my background is now my little winter oasis that i can go to and feel a little closer to home.
I haven't written a lot so I thought I better get something together. When I don't write for awhile I start to feel a bit off. So I will include some thoughts and activities in my life lately.
First: Bryan and I are having so much fun with Christmas and all the things that come with it. Decorating being the main thing. I haven't lived in a house since 2001, so i haven't put lights on my own house for quite awhile, and this year God blessed us with a wonderful home. And Bryan was so wonderful to put Christmas lights on it for us. They look great. Sookie is also loving Christmas, mostly the stuffed Christmas animals we have sitting out. They are now HER new christmas stuffed animal TOYS. We love to decorate so much that We helped Bryan's mom decorate her house and I decorated my office at work. I just love bringing the holidays to attention through beautiful decorations since the weather is not giving me much of an indication that Christmas is just around the corner... I had to add that in there.
With my withdrawals from Iowa, i've been feeling... well... very nostalgic. If anyone knows me much at all, they know exactly how I remember things very vividly, good and bad. Lately I've really been missing many people that were so important in my life in Iowa. Some of them I still talk to every once in awhile, and other I never get to talk to or see. I also have been thinking back about my years in college. Things sure do happen fast. But to all of those people in my life at certain times, Thank you for affecting my life and making me the person I am. I have grown more than I could imagine, but also have so so far to go.
I'm still on my weight loss journey. It's been very slow-going the past 4 months or so, I will lose than gain, or not lose much at all. I know there are many factors as to why I can't lose weight very fast like i used to be able to. Those mainly being my body changing and and being all messed up. But also i think I figured out what another factor could be and it's actually a good one. In college there were many times I would go home for the summer and work out constantly, like three times a day I would walk 3-4 miles. So about 9-12 miles a day I was walking and sleeping in between those time, so I wasn't eating much. This was because I was struggling with depression and worried about people loving me as someone who was not skinny. Which I have unfortunately struggled with my whole life. But i now have an amazing husband who I know without a doubt, no matter what will love me and think I am beautiful. So i think this makes me feel like i don't have to lose weight so fast, slow is the best way anyhow. I just know the slow is ok, b/c Bryan will love me forever.
It's quite amazing to feel this way, b/c to be frank, I never felt this kind of love from someone towards me growing up except for possibly one person. And he died before i had a chance to acknowledge that amazing love. I am so fortunate, and I know that I am loved. WOW, just to type those words makes me realize how wonderful it it. Bryan's love for me makes me realize how much more amazing and real God's love for me is. I will always be beautiful. But I won't quit trying to get in better shape and be healthier either.
I really neeed to write more frequently so I don't write so much each time and I have a chance to try to write better. I always feel so rushed in updating this blog, b/c I have so much I want to say. hehe.
Anyhow things are good, I've really been on my knees a lot in prayer lately for people in my life and things in my personal life, and God is truly blessing Bryan and I in our weaknesses and stress. So it's all gonna be ok and God has an amazing plan.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Pleasing Everyone or Pleasing God?

If you know me at all, you know that I am a big ''people pleaser." I always try to please everyone. I've done this since I can remember. This is what causes my constant phrase, "I'm sorry." But as I have been going through a bible study that is making me very much aware of how big my people pleaser trait is going.
I also have a hard time claiming the forgiveness that God has promised if we confess and believe. I'm realizing that when I let fellow followers of Christ down, I start to somehow feel I have completely let God down. This problem has caused me to take a long time to get over and/or let go of certain relationships I've had in my life that are now over or are not as strong as I once thought they would be.
This is a problem for me. For so long I have equated showing God's love to people and kindness to pleasing everyone. For all those other people pleasers our there, THIS IS NOT AT ALL TRUE.
Jesus did not try to please everyone. He didn't care if everyone wasn't pleased with the way he lived His life. This problem is related to the problem of not being able to say "no," and stick up for myself.
So the question is, by trying to please everyone around you are you really pleasing God? I would have to say, "no." We are called to live a life that doesn't please everyone, but that is in accordance to God's commands and Jesus' life.
These are just some thoughts I've been having. Believe me I'm praying and working on it a lot.

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Skinny Dieters

This is for all those tormented skinny people out there.
May I explain...
As many of you may know I have been on the famous weight watchers diet since March, and I have managed to lose 16lbs, which after my weigh in tomorrow may be down to only 13 lbs, due to my past month of stress, bordem and just plain giving up hope to ever lose weight. This has been a long journey for me.
I started out very strong as many do, with some support and fellow weight watchers dieters on the same journey. I was working out hard and reached a goal in exercise that I have had for a long while which was to be able to run 3 miles straight. I was very proud and as the pounds came off slowly I was happy and trying to not get discouraged by how slow it was going. I love my husband to death but working out is in no way 'his thing,' and so he had a rough time showing his support through working out with me. So this was an obstacle, but that's not where most the tormenting comes in.
As I started my journey I wanted to tell others to get support and be held accountable. Well I got a little less than support. I don't want to totally forget about the very few that did support me and tell me I could do it and it was ok, "Thank you." But the ones that were discouraging in ways I'm not sure they knew, outweighed the good.
"You are already skinny," "you don't need to lose weight," "You have to understand that when you are already skinny you wont lost the weight as fast as others," "If you lose weight, you will disappear," "A size 4 is way too skinny," "You are beautiful the way you are," "You don't have to worry about losing weight," "Bryan, like's the way you look, right, so why change," " You can't just stop eating all good food, you have to still enjoy life and eat something," etc...
Does anyone know what I mean? I think people say these things to make me feel better, but PEOPLE, I NEED YOU TO SUPPORT ME IN THE WEIGHT LOSS, NOT THE UNHEALTHY LIFE IM LIVING NOW BY THE WAY I EAT, WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING BY SAYING I SHOULDNT BE ON A DIET. Im not going to be anorexic or extemely under a healthy weight, Yes I want to lose weight, so that I don't get to a point where some people are. The point where you feel you have no more hope to ever lose it. I know I am beautiful, but I will still be beautiful when I tone up, lose weight, and have a healthier body. But I want to lose weight the healthy way, through good eating and exercising. Why can't I at least get support in the way that I'm trying to do it?
I truly believe that it is hard for people who need to lose around 100lbs or more to lose all that weight, and it can seem so overwhelming. But you have so much support out there and you can do it, you just need to start moving and start changing.
But I think it is so much harder for those somewhat skinny people out there that are not extremely overweight but need to lose 30 lbs or less. It's hard to find support, b/c we have so many people that think we look fine bc they see us as having a 'healthy weight."
I'm not happy with how my body looks. And so what if I'm older now and I'm not as active, I still have a right to look good in a bathing suit and love my body.
I need support. I have given up so much at this over and over again and only gotten bigger due to it, b/c I don't have someone telling me I support you in this and going along with me in the journey. I need someone to tell me that it's ok to want to lose weight and your goal weight is still a great healthy weight.
I guess I need to start a skinny people diet club. It's seems they are all over in Hollywood, guess I could move there. Anyhow, I hope someone out there knows how I am feeling. My journey is long from over and I'm in a rut. I don't want to have to defend myself every time I order a healthier meal, turn down a snack packed with sugar, orjsut flat out say I'm on a diet.

P.S. I'm on my journey in weight watchers again and back to working out. One day at a time, right.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

As many of you know I was in a car accident the first week of August. Since then I have been going to the chiropractor regularly, because my neck and upper back got injured a bit. If you have known me for longer than three years, you know I was in a major car accident three years ago coming back to college after Thanksgiving, and it took a long time to get everything settled, and even then I was still not able to completely heal from the injury. So I have been feeling a little frustrated by having to go through the whole chiropractor thing and having an attorney.
Then last Friday I went to my appt. at the chiro. and there was a mother and daughter there for the first time. I overheard them talking about their injuries due to a car accident they had been in. I instantly felt such pain and sorrow for both of them, not only are they injured but they both have to go through dealing with the insurance and paying medical bills. Wow, i'm so glad that I was the only one in the car both accidents I've had, and no one else got hurt. That has to be overwhelming and just stressful.
The simple event of seeing and overhearing these two ladies made me so thankful for all my blessings and safety I have had due to God. It made me think, ''this will be alright, and I will get better."
We must have faith and proclaim that faith before God, and I truly believe he will provide.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I haven't written a blog for awhile, so I'm going to try to come up with something. I always stray away from writing, b/c to be honest I'm not sure it is even read, but really does that even matter...NO.

So I'm going to ramble for a little bit, without thinking what someone will think when reading it or if anyone will read it.
I've been thinking a lot since I saw the movie Eat Pray Love. I enjoyed it very much. I liked many parts but one line stuck out to me. "I want to marvel at something..."
When is the last time you have just sat and marveled at something? For me, it'd been so long I have no idea. I am the type of person that likes having things planned out, it makes me happy to know what exactly is going to happen. This is one trait my husband carries very well and it gives me security I'm not sure I have ever felt. But there are days, and I've always carried this contradicting trait, I don't want to have a clue what we are doing, I want to be surprised, I want to be overwhelmed, overjoyed, filled with laughter or sadness. I want to feel huge emotions!
I want to be so overjoyed that I can't help but cry, because it's the one thing that can truly show that joy I feel. I want to be overjoyed by something outside of myself. I have two times I can think of right of the top of my head, when I was truly overjoyed that I was brought to tears.

1.) In Jamaica. This was my first mission trip and I was 16 years old. We went to an orphanage to just hold babies and play with the children. I fell in love with this tiny little girl whom was just sitting in her crib with a wet diaper when we got there. I was drawn to her instantly and spent most the day with her. Her name was Kevon. While I tried to hold other babies and play with the beautiful children of God, my mom held kevon and played with her. When my mom took her inside to change her diaper for the second time, she started to cry and squirm a bit. When I look in the room filled with baby cribs where my mom was changing her, this is what I heard... Manda, manda. She was saying my name. I guess she had learned it by hearing the others in my group talking to me, I was instantly overjoyed and filled with tears and happiness...oh and it was her first word.

2.) I was a junior in college. The day my friend, Steve Hogans had his lung transplant and came through with great success. I was so scared when he went into surgery but so happy they had found a donor. That was a great day.

Have I become cold and complacent? have I structured my life so much for fear of getting hurt, that now i'm hurting myself and my love for life? When is the last time I cried for someone due to a bad situation or just because I was sad about how they were living their life:

1.) I won't include the age on this one. It was at a camp I attended and a girl confided in me that she was being abused by her mother at home, and had starting cutting to release the pain. It hurts me just to write this. This girl has stopped cutting now, but does other things to numb the past away.

2.) Every time I see a commercial about the children in various countries that are starving, and taking bath in the same water they are using as the toilet. I remember seeing these since I was little and knowing that I needed to help change this situation and therefore change the world. Well we have a dvr, and with that we fast foward through the commercials. Therefore I don't see these commercials very often.

"Grandpa I will change the world." This would be one of the things he would tell you I always said to him, if you could ask him. But I wonder now am I doing enough to change the world to something better. I love my husband and know he would say I ahve changed his and I do not discount that as something. ButI want to change the world for people that are so sad and hurt by this world, they are taking actions to leave it.

And lasting, the last time I have marveled at somthing, and was filled with happiness.
Again I'll share two of my favorite times...

1.) Laying in the field at Inspiration Acres Camp Grounds, and looking at all the stars covering the sky. I still believe it is the best place to look at stars. I use to do it every year at camp. I remember just being in awe of the beauty and the silence of the sky.

2.) Going to a MLB game. It was at the minute maid field in Houston. The Astros played the Cardinals (my favorite team). I was in awe, I remember crying when we got there adn saw the field and all the players. It was truly beautiful to me. I love baseball and I have always wanted to go to the porfessional game.

3.) The day I got married, it was so surreal. It was beautiful. The biggest part I marveled at was when Bryan sang to me. He sang and looked at me and let me know by his look that he was going to take care of me and love me for the rest of his life. Oh I loved getting married. I always tell people I wish we could get married over and over again to each other. hehe.

Anyhow, this has become very long. I have been brought to slight tears just writing some of this. I need to figure out a way to feel passionate again about people and life. I think there is one thing starting up in my life soon that will throw passion back in my whole being. But we as Christians can't become so complacent, we need to see and feel the beauty of the Lord in this world. I want to feel and see that beauty naturally without having to think about it. So I need to be intentional in finding ways to bring that joy into my sight.
So those are some things I have had on my mind. Until next time, be overwhelmed by something other than yourself.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Where Were You

I was in the car driving home from lunch and had a country mood moment. This happens often. And the Alan Jackson song that says 'Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?" First of all, I can't believe this song is so popular, and second it made me think about that day.
I was at my new high school, JFK High School, walking out of Spanish Class to English (favorite class). I heard people talking about the planes, and had no idea what they were talking about. Then I go to English and saw the tv. I felt like the whole world had stopped and I felt so alone instantly. This was the first time since I was a young girl that I realized I may not be as safe as I thought I was.
I remember talking to a very important person in my life at that time about it after school and this person just said they had heard and that was it. I felt like, "who are you to not care about this world and how can you not be sad knowing all the people that just lost their lives and the families of those people, who would never see their spouse, sister, brother, dad, mom, daughter, grandson, etc again. This was a huge moment in my life. This was the moment I realized the most important person in my life at that time was nothing like me and we were growing apart quickly.
I say all this, because I don't think anyone will forget that day and where they were, b/c it stunned and shook us all. I hate when we decided to go to war in Iraq, but after many months of prayer and tears over the people I knew were dying, I started to realize that we needed the protection and it was done b/c it was the best thing the President could think to do. I understood why we were there.
But, can I ask, why after 9 years are we still there, I no longer understand?? Some people say we need to finish what we started, but I think we finished that a long time ago. I'm not blaming anyone for why we are still there nor am I wanting an argument, just answers.
Well these were some thoughts I was having today, with all this all I can do is pray for all those people fighting for us her and all the government officials. For God is still on His throne and still in control. We can trust in him.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Brace Face.

Well I was finally able to get braces, and I thought I would start it out right with hot pink rubber bands. I've have them for a week now, and they still hurt. I'm definitely getting used to them , but try to give me a cool ranch dorrito (my favorite kind of chip) and I will have to deny. I haven't mastered eating hard stuff yet. In the morning I have to wait ten minutes to eat my cereal so it soft enough to eat. This will be a long journey, but I'm excited to finally have a smile I've always dreamed of. I'm so blessed to have a husband who loves me and understands me so much to allow an extra monthly payment for me to have a life long dream. I know how dramatic, but for me braces means a lot.
In other news, i'm enjoying having Nev Nev home and staying with us. This week went so fast and wasn't as stressful due to me knowing I get to see her and that we are able to let her stay with us, for as long as she needs.

Welp, guess that's all for now.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Well I feel like I've been busy since the last time I wrote. We have a puppy now as many of you know. She's is a wonderful mess and a handful, SMILE. Yesterday I was trying to teach her something and she kept running and hiding or grabbing the treat from my hand without doing what I asked and was trying to teach. Then at one point she sat on my legs as I laid down to take a nap and turned to look at me and STUCK HER TONGUE OUT at me, it was probably not on purpose but it sure looked like it was. That little crazy girl. I feel so much like a mom with her though.
My Grandma and Great Uncle Lawrence came to visit last weekend, that was so nice to see them. They were just driving through to get to their sisters in Texas and decided to stop. I miss my grandma so much sometimes. I think Bryan and I are going to try to go to Iowa for the 4th of July, and stay with my dad and step mom for two days and with my grandma for two days. I love small town 4th of July events!
I'm on weight watchers. I've lost 11 lbs so far, and it's taking me forever to do it, I weigh in every Sunday and this week I've worked out so hard and really pushed myself so I'm sure I lost something at least. The past few week I've hit a plateau and it's been so hard to lose anything, but I have only gained one pound during this no lose streak. It's hard to lose weight when you don't have a whole lot to lose. It comes off slower. But I'm still charging on to this new healthy lifestyle and better way of eating. Bryan is helping me a lot. It took him a while but he's come around in the past month and wants to eat healthy with me and he's working out with me when he gets off work in time. I love that man, he makes me want to be a better person, but he loves me as I am so much and he never forgets to tell me and show me that. I am so blessed.

starting weight: 154lbs
Goal weight: 125lbs
Current weight: 143lbs
Still have a ways to go. But I finally believe enough in myself to know that I can do this and I deserve this as well.
Well this post is pretty long, so I will close it up for now, and write later.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

So Bryan and I bought a house, as most of you already know. We close on Friday, I'm so so excited. I've never lived in a home for an extended period of time that was owned, and now I am going to be a home owner. I'm so ready for Friday.
This is the perfect place to grow our family when the time is right too. We plan on starting with a dog some time soon. yahooooo. I will post pictures soon.