Thursday, June 16, 2011

Well here I am, not sure what's going on in my mind, so I will just write like I usually do.

I guess I will begin with the biggest thing on my mind right now:

I love all the children I work with so much, yesterday's field trip with 21 of the children proved that I truly enjoy and love each of those children. They are so sweet, and yes crazy a lot of the time. But just the moments where one little boy that is most of the time, out of control, grabs my hand and says, "come on Miss Amanda, I want to see whats int he next rood." I didn't think he would ever, in a million years, want to hold a teachers hand, especially mine, being as the second week I worked with him, he told me that I 'sucked,' hah. Oh how things change so quickly. I can't forget those sweet girls that are so loving and can't help but spill there dreams and hearts onto me, without fear. I wish I would have been a little girl like them, living without fear of the consequences of what I told people.

There was one girl that told me she wants to help homeless and hungry people. She always tries to convince her mom to give extra food they have to the poor. She said, "we have so much and they have nothing, I want to help them, I think I help people when I grow up." WOW, I don't even know what to say to that. They don't have very much when comparing them to the American Dream standards. Yet she wants to help so many people with the little she does have. I said the same thing when I was so young.

I was determined to CHANGE THE WORLD. I knew God had given me the heart to do it. And yet I sit here these past few weeks, feeling pretty stressed and down in the dumps. Where did my passion go? Well....maybe it's the fear that got in the way, or all the work. Maybe it is simply just the fact that I never anticipated so much work just so I could help young people. Yes I'm talking about where I work. We have so much work we do weekly, but i do understand why. I need to be prepared and completely ready to give those children my best at all times, I want to know the Bible story or the gospel message so well, so I can help them have the knowledge that took me so long to gain. But it's A LOT of work. And I'm only part time, so that means I don't have nearly as much work as half of them.

With that said, I'm exhausted, I want to just go to the site and hang out with the children. Bible teaching is a huge part of our ministry which is something that many children in their neighborhoods don't get. This is a way that we show our love for them, by teaching them the truth. We have moments to just sit and play with the children too, but boy do i wish I could just do that all day long. I also wish I could make every situation in their life better. There i go again wanting to control everything! I hate that they know what a gang fight is, what a gun shot sounds like, what drugs smell like, and what it feels like to be so hungry that your whole body hurts. But this is where God has placed me at this time in my life to work.

It may be so overwhelming, that I want to give up at least once a week at this point, but when have I ever worked for something so hard in my life. When have I ever spent so much time studying and preparing a bible story to tell children? When have I ever studied just once verse of the Bible so much (ok maybe Professor Sanders could debate this)? When have I ever worked with so many people who love the Lord and children as much as I do?

Yes, Bryan, I am blessed, not just with you and Sookie, and great friends. But I'm blessed to have a job that pushes me. I may absolutely hate the work I have to do at times, to be able to work with the children, but the rewards leave me with out words. I am studying the Bible, teaching children and hopefully making a difference. And I get paid for it, WHAT!!!! I think I'm doing what God wants! But I still can't shake this overwhelming stress I feel!!!.

I think it also maybe that I want to be perfect! I want to get a good grade on everything, I want to tell the story just right in the right amount of time. I want all the people I work with to know how much I care and love the children and want to do the best I can, I want quickly so I have time to sit at home, relax and read a good book, hah. But all these things are once again what "I" want. Not what God wants. He knows I'm not perfect and loves me and strengthens me daily. This job is proving to me that I cannot be perfect and I have to once and for all, STOP TRYING TO GAIN PERFECTION IN MY LIFE! It will not happen. God will give me rest, He will give me strength, He will give me love to love others.

Huh, well here is another super long post from me. No worries if it was too long for anyone to read, it wasn't for that, it was inspiration for myself and my on discouraged will power.