Sunday, December 12, 2010

So we had our production of "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever" this weekend. The first night (Saturday) went very well. But the second night (Sunday) was even better, especially the response from the audience. We all were so blessed to be able to be in a great play. I laughed, smiled, got frustrated, cried, stressed. Bryan and I were not sure if it was going to turn out sometimes, but it did.
The admission was to bring a canned good or dry food for out food pantry. Boy did God bless the food pantry through the admission giving. We have so much food to put over there.
As I was doing this play. I realized on Saturday night that my mom has never missed any of my performances I have been in, whether is be my beauty pageants, plays, or choir concerts, she was there. Now with sports due to work she had to miss a bunch of those over the years, but came to way more than she missed. But after coming to the conclusion early on that she would not be attending this performance, made my hard beat a little harder during my first monologue of the play and some tears fall after the play as well. We have an interesting relationship, but sometimes I need to have a little bit of normal, and her being there was normal growing up.
I think I did well and it was great regardless, but with her not being there I felt I needed that affirmation from a parent like person there. I of course heard it from Jamie (Bryan's mom constantly) which was great, and a few others. But there were two people who I hoped I would hear it from. I didn't, BUT tonight I did get a hug from one of them who never hugs me and I could almost feel God talking to me when it happend.
It was all very fast, but I felt him say this, "Amanda you are loved and you did great, BUT you do not need affirmation from the world, for you are my child, and I love you, that's what matters, and this play was NOT about you." Oh goodness "I hear you Lord." It's true. But God knows me and my emotional, sensitive heart so well that he preformed an act of love through a very important person in my life for me. Even if I should find my affirmation in him, he gave me that to know that this individual does love me.
God you are wonderful. Thank you for those things I may not technically need to live, but you know is the desire of my heart! Thank you for the talent of acting and performing. I love it and I'm ready to do it again.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

So most of you have probably seen the number event happening on Facebook these days. Well if you aren't familiar. People are giving random numbers to me or vice versa and I write in my status how I met them, memories and my thoughts on them.
I have realized that maybe I have had an impact on people while growing up. I think back to the small town I spent most my younger years at. I wonder if I have made an impression and positive memory for my friends there? Well during the number thing, I have reconnected with one of my best friends during those years, and I realized not only how much I missed her and loved our time together, but also that she didn't forget about me.
I also, during this number game, came to the knowledge of sometimes the people you think are some of your closest friends don't view me the same way. And it hurt for awhile, but it is ok. All my closest friend, no matter how they viewed me, all made a difference in my life and helped me become the person I am today, so I can't be so sad about it.
Well those are just some thoughts I've been having.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Here is my winter wonderland.

So I'm really having withdrawals from the snow in Iowa, so my background is now my little winter oasis that i can go to and feel a little closer to home.
I haven't written a lot so I thought I better get something together. When I don't write for awhile I start to feel a bit off. So I will include some thoughts and activities in my life lately.
First: Bryan and I are having so much fun with Christmas and all the things that come with it. Decorating being the main thing. I haven't lived in a house since 2001, so i haven't put lights on my own house for quite awhile, and this year God blessed us with a wonderful home. And Bryan was so wonderful to put Christmas lights on it for us. They look great. Sookie is also loving Christmas, mostly the stuffed Christmas animals we have sitting out. They are now HER new christmas stuffed animal TOYS. We love to decorate so much that We helped Bryan's mom decorate her house and I decorated my office at work. I just love bringing the holidays to attention through beautiful decorations since the weather is not giving me much of an indication that Christmas is just around the corner... I had to add that in there.
With my withdrawals from Iowa, i've been feeling... well... very nostalgic. If anyone knows me much at all, they know exactly how I remember things very vividly, good and bad. Lately I've really been missing many people that were so important in my life in Iowa. Some of them I still talk to every once in awhile, and other I never get to talk to or see. I also have been thinking back about my years in college. Things sure do happen fast. But to all of those people in my life at certain times, Thank you for affecting my life and making me the person I am. I have grown more than I could imagine, but also have so so far to go.
I'm still on my weight loss journey. It's been very slow-going the past 4 months or so, I will lose than gain, or not lose much at all. I know there are many factors as to why I can't lose weight very fast like i used to be able to. Those mainly being my body changing and and being all messed up. But also i think I figured out what another factor could be and it's actually a good one. In college there were many times I would go home for the summer and work out constantly, like three times a day I would walk 3-4 miles. So about 9-12 miles a day I was walking and sleeping in between those time, so I wasn't eating much. This was because I was struggling with depression and worried about people loving me as someone who was not skinny. Which I have unfortunately struggled with my whole life. But i now have an amazing husband who I know without a doubt, no matter what will love me and think I am beautiful. So i think this makes me feel like i don't have to lose weight so fast, slow is the best way anyhow. I just know the slow is ok, b/c Bryan will love me forever.
It's quite amazing to feel this way, b/c to be frank, I never felt this kind of love from someone towards me growing up except for possibly one person. And he died before i had a chance to acknowledge that amazing love. I am so fortunate, and I know that I am loved. WOW, just to type those words makes me realize how wonderful it it. Bryan's love for me makes me realize how much more amazing and real God's love for me is. I will always be beautiful. But I won't quit trying to get in better shape and be healthier either.
I really neeed to write more frequently so I don't write so much each time and I have a chance to try to write better. I always feel so rushed in updating this blog, b/c I have so much I want to say. hehe.
Anyhow things are good, I've really been on my knees a lot in prayer lately for people in my life and things in my personal life, and God is truly blessing Bryan and I in our weaknesses and stress. So it's all gonna be ok and God has an amazing plan.