I haven't written a blog for awhile, so I'm going to try to come up with something. I always stray away from writing, b/c to be honest I'm not sure it is even read, but really does that even matter...NO.
So I'm going to ramble for a little bit, without thinking what someone will think when reading it or if anyone will read it.
I've been thinking a lot since I saw the movie Eat Pray Love. I enjoyed it very much. I liked many parts but one line stuck out to me. "I want to marvel at something..."
When is the last time you have just sat and marveled at something? For me, it'd been so long I have no idea. I am the type of person that likes having things planned out, it makes me happy to know what exactly is going to happen. This is one trait my husband carries very well and it gives me security I'm not sure I have ever felt. But there are days, and I've always carried this contradicting trait, I don't want to have a clue what we are doing, I want to be surprised, I want to be overwhelmed, overjoyed, filled with laughter or sadness. I want to feel huge emotions!
I want to be so overjoyed that I can't help but cry, because it's the one thing that can truly show that joy I feel. I want to be overjoyed by something outside of myself. I have two times I can think of right of the top of my head, when I was truly overjoyed that I was brought to tears.
1.) In Jamaica. This was my first mission trip and I was 16 years old. We went to an orphanage to just hold babies and play with the children. I fell in love with this tiny little girl whom was just sitting in her crib with a wet diaper when we got there. I was drawn to her instantly and spent most the day with her. Her name was Kevon. While I tried to hold other babies and play with the beautiful children of God, my mom held kevon and played with her. When my mom took her inside to change her diaper for the second time, she started to cry and squirm a bit. When I look in the room filled with baby cribs where my mom was changing her, this is what I heard... Manda, manda. She was saying my name. I guess she had learned it by hearing the others in my group talking to me, I was instantly overjoyed and filled with tears and happiness...oh and it was her first word.
2.) I was a junior in college. The day my friend, Steve Hogans had his lung transplant and came through with great success. I was so scared when he went into surgery but so happy they had found a donor. That was a great day.
Have I become cold and complacent? have I structured my life so much for fear of getting hurt, that now i'm hurting myself and my love for life? When is the last time I cried for someone due to a bad situation or just because I was sad about how they were living their life:
1.) I won't include the age on this one. It was at a camp I attended and a girl confided in me that she was being abused by her mother at home, and had starting cutting to release the pain. It hurts me just to write this. This girl has stopped cutting now, but does other things to numb the past away.
2.) Every time I see a commercial about the children in various countries that are starving, and taking bath in the same water they are using as the toilet. I remember seeing these since I was little and knowing that I needed to help change this situation and therefore change the world. Well we have a dvr, and with that we fast foward through the commercials. Therefore I don't see these commercials very often.
"Grandpa I will change the world." This would be one of the things he would tell you I always said to him, if you could ask him. But I wonder now am I doing enough to change the world to something better. I love my husband and know he would say I ahve changed his and I do not discount that as something. ButI want to change the world for people that are so sad and hurt by this world, they are taking actions to leave it.
And lasting, the last time I have marveled at somthing, and was filled with happiness.
Again I'll share two of my favorite times...
1.) Laying in the field at Inspiration Acres Camp Grounds, and looking at all the stars covering the sky. I still believe it is the best place to look at stars. I use to do it every year at camp. I remember just being in awe of the beauty and the silence of the sky.
2.) Going to a MLB game. It was at the minute maid field in Houston. The Astros played the Cardinals (my favorite team). I was in awe, I remember crying when we got there adn saw the field and all the players. It was truly beautiful to me. I love baseball and I have always wanted to go to the porfessional game.
3.) The day I got married, it was so surreal. It was beautiful. The biggest part I marveled at was when Bryan sang to me. He sang and looked at me and let me know by his look that he was going to take care of me and love me for the rest of his life. Oh I loved getting married. I always tell people I wish we could get married over and over again to each other. hehe.
Anyhow, this has become very long. I have been brought to slight tears just writing some of this. I need to figure out a way to feel passionate again about people and life. I think there is one thing starting up in my life soon that will throw passion back in my whole being. But we as Christians can't become so complacent, we need to see and feel the beauty of the Lord in this world. I want to feel and see that beauty naturally without having to think about it. So I need to be intentional in finding ways to bring that joy into my sight.
So those are some things I have had on my mind. Until next time, be overwhelmed by something other than yourself.