Well here I am, not sure what's going on in my mind, so I will just write like I usually do.
I guess I will begin with the biggest thing on my mind right now:
I love all the children I work with so much, yesterday's field trip with 21 of the children proved that I truly enjoy and love each of those children. They are so sweet, and yes crazy a lot of the time. But just the moments where one little boy that is most of the time, out of control, grabs my hand and says, "come on Miss Amanda, I want to see whats int he next rood." I didn't think he would ever, in a million years, want to hold a teachers hand, especially mine, being as the second week I worked with him, he told me that I 'sucked,' hah. Oh how things change so quickly. I can't forget those sweet girls that are so loving and can't help but spill there dreams and hearts onto me, without fear. I wish I would have been a little girl like them, living without fear of the consequences of what I told people.
There was one girl that told me she wants to help homeless and hungry people. She always tries to convince her mom to give extra food they have to the poor. She said, "we have so much and they have nothing, I want to help them, I think I help people when I grow up." WOW, I don't even know what to say to that. They don't have very much when comparing them to the American Dream standards. Yet she wants to help so many people with the little she does have. I said the same thing when I was so young.
I was determined to CHANGE THE WORLD. I knew God had given me the heart to do it. And yet I sit here these past few weeks, feeling pretty stressed and down in the dumps. Where did my passion go? Well....maybe it's the fear that got in the way, or all the work. Maybe it is simply just the fact that I never anticipated so much work just so I could help young people. Yes I'm talking about where I work. We have so much work we do weekly, but i do understand why. I need to be prepared and completely ready to give those children my best at all times, I want to know the Bible story or the gospel message so well, so I can help them have the knowledge that took me so long to gain. But it's A LOT of work. And I'm only part time, so that means I don't have nearly as much work as half of them.
With that said, I'm exhausted, I want to just go to the site and hang out with the children. Bible teaching is a huge part of our ministry which is something that many children in their neighborhoods don't get. This is a way that we show our love for them, by teaching them the truth. We have moments to just sit and play with the children too, but boy do i wish I could just do that all day long. I also wish I could make every situation in their life better. There i go again wanting to control everything! I hate that they know what a gang fight is, what a gun shot sounds like, what drugs smell like, and what it feels like to be so hungry that your whole body hurts. But this is where God has placed me at this time in my life to work.
It may be so overwhelming, that I want to give up at least once a week at this point, but when have I ever worked for something so hard in my life. When have I ever spent so much time studying and preparing a bible story to tell children? When have I ever studied just once verse of the Bible so much (ok maybe Professor Sanders could debate this)? When have I ever worked with so many people who love the Lord and children as much as I do?
Yes, Bryan, I am blessed, not just with you and Sookie, and great friends. But I'm blessed to have a job that pushes me. I may absolutely hate the work I have to do at times, to be able to work with the children, but the rewards leave me with out words. I am studying the Bible, teaching children and hopefully making a difference. And I get paid for it, WHAT!!!! I think I'm doing what God wants! But I still can't shake this overwhelming stress I feel!!!.
I think it also maybe that I want to be perfect! I want to get a good grade on everything, I want to tell the story just right in the right amount of time. I want all the people I work with to know how much I care and love the children and want to do the best I can, I want quickly so I have time to sit at home, relax and read a good book, hah. But all these things are once again what "I" want. Not what God wants. He knows I'm not perfect and loves me and strengthens me daily. This job is proving to me that I cannot be perfect and I have to once and for all, STOP TRYING TO GAIN PERFECTION IN MY LIFE! It will not happen. God will give me rest, He will give me strength, He will give me love to love others.
Huh, well here is another super long post from me. No worries if it was too long for anyone to read, it wasn't for that, it was inspiration for myself and my on discouraged will power.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
So obviously I haven't post in, well, let's just say... a long time and leave it at that. It's late and I can't fall asleep, so I decided to write on my blog. For I was afraid it was getting lonely without my constant watch and attention to it.
Don't worry other bloggers, i still read your blogs.
So what's been going on in my life. I'll make a list, it's long, but I'll keep it direct and focused on the major events:
-I got a job with Novo Ministries. I get the honor to work with inner city children through teaching them about the Bible, God, and just investing in their lives. I love these children so much already. If I am never able to have children, I will praise God for giving me children at these sights that I can love and teach all the time.
-Bryan and I celebrated 2 years of Marriage last weekend. Crazy how time goes by. The memories of Hawaii are still so vivid in my mind, as if it was only a few months ago that we went.
-We went to Dallas for an anniversary vacation. We had a good time, we did lots of things, and laughed a lot. But it was also a rough time for me...
-A very close friend, Holly, graduated and moved back home to Pennsylvania where her family lives. I cried so much on the way to Dallas. I love this girl so much, and just to see how much she has grown in all ways, is such an inspiration to me. It;s harder now that I'm home and can't just call her to come over and hang out. She's really gone! I hate goodbyes... Why???
It's not the fact that I have to stand there and watch the person walk or drive away. It's not because I can't hang out with them and watch movies (ok maybe that a little bit). It's not even the talks I have with them face to face. I think what I hate most about goodbyes, is the fact that I lose control. I'm realizing more as I go further into marriage, that I love control. I Love Holly and I hate her not being here to hang out and do nothing together, and talk about anything. But I hate that with her gone, I am once again taught that I can't control everything, I have to let somethings go. This doesn't mean i don't want her to move back, but it means I have to support her and love her and not let her absence lead to my depression. I have to let it all go and rely on God. I don't have to control things and try to protect myself anymore.
Oh yeah that's another thing Im still working on. I have realized with my fairly recent closeness with 'the gang' as we all like to refer to our group of friends, that I have a very hard time trusting people who want to be friends. Since I was little I have had a difficult time with friends and it always leaves me sad, and feeling sorry for myself. But I can't just not hang out with people because of it. If they want to hurt me or say mean things or even decide to not be my friend, oh well. I have the most amazing best friend, Bryan Storie and I know he's not leaving willingly. Plus I have other friends that would surround me in a hard time as that.
I think I got off track from my list. I will add to the list later, for this writing may have spurred the sleep region of my brain to want sleep. Guess I will try again to get some rest.
SMILE!
Don't worry other bloggers, i still read your blogs.
So what's been going on in my life. I'll make a list, it's long, but I'll keep it direct and focused on the major events:
-I got a job with Novo Ministries. I get the honor to work with inner city children through teaching them about the Bible, God, and just investing in their lives. I love these children so much already. If I am never able to have children, I will praise God for giving me children at these sights that I can love and teach all the time.
-Bryan and I celebrated 2 years of Marriage last weekend. Crazy how time goes by. The memories of Hawaii are still so vivid in my mind, as if it was only a few months ago that we went.
-We went to Dallas for an anniversary vacation. We had a good time, we did lots of things, and laughed a lot. But it was also a rough time for me...
-A very close friend, Holly, graduated and moved back home to Pennsylvania where her family lives. I cried so much on the way to Dallas. I love this girl so much, and just to see how much she has grown in all ways, is such an inspiration to me. It;s harder now that I'm home and can't just call her to come over and hang out. She's really gone! I hate goodbyes... Why???
It's not the fact that I have to stand there and watch the person walk or drive away. It's not because I can't hang out with them and watch movies (ok maybe that a little bit). It's not even the talks I have with them face to face. I think what I hate most about goodbyes, is the fact that I lose control. I'm realizing more as I go further into marriage, that I love control. I Love Holly and I hate her not being here to hang out and do nothing together, and talk about anything. But I hate that with her gone, I am once again taught that I can't control everything, I have to let somethings go. This doesn't mean i don't want her to move back, but it means I have to support her and love her and not let her absence lead to my depression. I have to let it all go and rely on God. I don't have to control things and try to protect myself anymore.
Oh yeah that's another thing Im still working on. I have realized with my fairly recent closeness with 'the gang' as we all like to refer to our group of friends, that I have a very hard time trusting people who want to be friends. Since I was little I have had a difficult time with friends and it always leaves me sad, and feeling sorry for myself. But I can't just not hang out with people because of it. If they want to hurt me or say mean things or even decide to not be my friend, oh well. I have the most amazing best friend, Bryan Storie and I know he's not leaving willingly. Plus I have other friends that would surround me in a hard time as that.
I think I got off track from my list. I will add to the list later, for this writing may have spurred the sleep region of my brain to want sleep. Guess I will try again to get some rest.
SMILE!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
So we had our production of "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever" this weekend. The first night (Saturday) went very well. But the second night (Sunday) was even better, especially the response from the audience. We all were so blessed to be able to be in a great play. I laughed, smiled, got frustrated, cried, stressed. Bryan and I were not sure if it was going to turn out sometimes, but it did.
The admission was to bring a canned good or dry food for out food pantry. Boy did God bless the food pantry through the admission giving. We have so much food to put over there.
As I was doing this play. I realized on Saturday night that my mom has never missed any of my performances I have been in, whether is be my beauty pageants, plays, or choir concerts, she was there. Now with sports due to work she had to miss a bunch of those over the years, but came to way more than she missed. But after coming to the conclusion early on that she would not be attending this performance, made my hard beat a little harder during my first monologue of the play and some tears fall after the play as well. We have an interesting relationship, but sometimes I need to have a little bit of normal, and her being there was normal growing up.
I think I did well and it was great regardless, but with her not being there I felt I needed that affirmation from a parent like person there. I of course heard it from Jamie (Bryan's mom constantly) which was great, and a few others. But there were two people who I hoped I would hear it from. I didn't, BUT tonight I did get a hug from one of them who never hugs me and I could almost feel God talking to me when it happend.
It was all very fast, but I felt him say this, "Amanda you are loved and you did great, BUT you do not need affirmation from the world, for you are my child, and I love you, that's what matters, and this play was NOT about you." Oh goodness "I hear you Lord." It's true. But God knows me and my emotional, sensitive heart so well that he preformed an act of love through a very important person in my life for me. Even if I should find my affirmation in him, he gave me that to know that this individual does love me.
God you are wonderful. Thank you for those things I may not technically need to live, but you know is the desire of my heart! Thank you for the talent of acting and performing. I love it and I'm ready to do it again.
The admission was to bring a canned good or dry food for out food pantry. Boy did God bless the food pantry through the admission giving. We have so much food to put over there.
As I was doing this play. I realized on Saturday night that my mom has never missed any of my performances I have been in, whether is be my beauty pageants, plays, or choir concerts, she was there. Now with sports due to work she had to miss a bunch of those over the years, but came to way more than she missed. But after coming to the conclusion early on that she would not be attending this performance, made my hard beat a little harder during my first monologue of the play and some tears fall after the play as well. We have an interesting relationship, but sometimes I need to have a little bit of normal, and her being there was normal growing up.
I think I did well and it was great regardless, but with her not being there I felt I needed that affirmation from a parent like person there. I of course heard it from Jamie (Bryan's mom constantly) which was great, and a few others. But there were two people who I hoped I would hear it from. I didn't, BUT tonight I did get a hug from one of them who never hugs me and I could almost feel God talking to me when it happend.
It was all very fast, but I felt him say this, "Amanda you are loved and you did great, BUT you do not need affirmation from the world, for you are my child, and I love you, that's what matters, and this play was NOT about you." Oh goodness "I hear you Lord." It's true. But God knows me and my emotional, sensitive heart so well that he preformed an act of love through a very important person in my life for me. Even if I should find my affirmation in him, he gave me that to know that this individual does love me.
God you are wonderful. Thank you for those things I may not technically need to live, but you know is the desire of my heart! Thank you for the talent of acting and performing. I love it and I'm ready to do it again.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
So most of you have probably seen the number event happening on Facebook these days. Well if you aren't familiar. People are giving random numbers to me or vice versa and I write in my status how I met them, memories and my thoughts on them.
I have realized that maybe I have had an impact on people while growing up. I think back to the small town I spent most my younger years at. I wonder if I have made an impression and positive memory for my friends there? Well during the number thing, I have reconnected with one of my best friends during those years, and I realized not only how much I missed her and loved our time together, but also that she didn't forget about me.
I also, during this number game, came to the knowledge of sometimes the people you think are some of your closest friends don't view me the same way. And it hurt for awhile, but it is ok. All my closest friend, no matter how they viewed me, all made a difference in my life and helped me become the person I am today, so I can't be so sad about it.
Well those are just some thoughts I've been having.
I have realized that maybe I have had an impact on people while growing up. I think back to the small town I spent most my younger years at. I wonder if I have made an impression and positive memory for my friends there? Well during the number thing, I have reconnected with one of my best friends during those years, and I realized not only how much I missed her and loved our time together, but also that she didn't forget about me.
I also, during this number game, came to the knowledge of sometimes the people you think are some of your closest friends don't view me the same way. And it hurt for awhile, but it is ok. All my closest friend, no matter how they viewed me, all made a difference in my life and helped me become the person I am today, so I can't be so sad about it.
Well those are just some thoughts I've been having.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Here is my winter wonderland.
So I'm really having withdrawals from the snow in Iowa, so my background is now my little winter oasis that i can go to and feel a little closer to home.
I haven't written a lot so I thought I better get something together. When I don't write for awhile I start to feel a bit off. So I will include some thoughts and activities in my life lately.
First: Bryan and I are having so much fun with Christmas and all the things that come with it. Decorating being the main thing. I haven't lived in a house since 2001, so i haven't put lights on my own house for quite awhile, and this year God blessed us with a wonderful home. And Bryan was so wonderful to put Christmas lights on it for us. They look great. Sookie is also loving Christmas, mostly the stuffed Christmas animals we have sitting out. They are now HER new christmas stuffed animal TOYS. We love to decorate so much that We helped Bryan's mom decorate her house and I decorated my office at work. I just love bringing the holidays to attention through beautiful decorations since the weather is not giving me much of an indication that Christmas is just around the corner... I had to add that in there.
With my withdrawals from Iowa, i've been feeling... well... very nostalgic. If anyone knows me much at all, they know exactly how I remember things very vividly, good and bad. Lately I've really been missing many people that were so important in my life in Iowa. Some of them I still talk to every once in awhile, and other I never get to talk to or see. I also have been thinking back about my years in college. Things sure do happen fast. But to all of those people in my life at certain times, Thank you for affecting my life and making me the person I am. I have grown more than I could imagine, but also have so so far to go.
I'm still on my weight loss journey. It's been very slow-going the past 4 months or so, I will lose than gain, or not lose much at all. I know there are many factors as to why I can't lose weight very fast like i used to be able to. Those mainly being my body changing and and being all messed up. But also i think I figured out what another factor could be and it's actually a good one. In college there were many times I would go home for the summer and work out constantly, like three times a day I would walk 3-4 miles. So about 9-12 miles a day I was walking and sleeping in between those time, so I wasn't eating much. This was because I was struggling with depression and worried about people loving me as someone who was not skinny. Which I have unfortunately struggled with my whole life. But i now have an amazing husband who I know without a doubt, no matter what will love me and think I am beautiful. So i think this makes me feel like i don't have to lose weight so fast, slow is the best way anyhow. I just know the slow is ok, b/c Bryan will love me forever.
It's quite amazing to feel this way, b/c to be frank, I never felt this kind of love from someone towards me growing up except for possibly one person. And he died before i had a chance to acknowledge that amazing love. I am so fortunate, and I know that I am loved. WOW, just to type those words makes me realize how wonderful it it. Bryan's love for me makes me realize how much more amazing and real God's love for me is. I will always be beautiful. But I won't quit trying to get in better shape and be healthier either.
I really neeed to write more frequently so I don't write so much each time and I have a chance to try to write better. I always feel so rushed in updating this blog, b/c I have so much I want to say. hehe.
Anyhow things are good, I've really been on my knees a lot in prayer lately for people in my life and things in my personal life, and God is truly blessing Bryan and I in our weaknesses and stress. So it's all gonna be ok and God has an amazing plan.
I haven't written a lot so I thought I better get something together. When I don't write for awhile I start to feel a bit off. So I will include some thoughts and activities in my life lately.
First: Bryan and I are having so much fun with Christmas and all the things that come with it. Decorating being the main thing. I haven't lived in a house since 2001, so i haven't put lights on my own house for quite awhile, and this year God blessed us with a wonderful home. And Bryan was so wonderful to put Christmas lights on it for us. They look great. Sookie is also loving Christmas, mostly the stuffed Christmas animals we have sitting out. They are now HER new christmas stuffed animal TOYS. We love to decorate so much that We helped Bryan's mom decorate her house and I decorated my office at work. I just love bringing the holidays to attention through beautiful decorations since the weather is not giving me much of an indication that Christmas is just around the corner... I had to add that in there.
With my withdrawals from Iowa, i've been feeling... well... very nostalgic. If anyone knows me much at all, they know exactly how I remember things very vividly, good and bad. Lately I've really been missing many people that were so important in my life in Iowa. Some of them I still talk to every once in awhile, and other I never get to talk to or see. I also have been thinking back about my years in college. Things sure do happen fast. But to all of those people in my life at certain times, Thank you for affecting my life and making me the person I am. I have grown more than I could imagine, but also have so so far to go.
I'm still on my weight loss journey. It's been very slow-going the past 4 months or so, I will lose than gain, or not lose much at all. I know there are many factors as to why I can't lose weight very fast like i used to be able to. Those mainly being my body changing and and being all messed up. But also i think I figured out what another factor could be and it's actually a good one. In college there were many times I would go home for the summer and work out constantly, like three times a day I would walk 3-4 miles. So about 9-12 miles a day I was walking and sleeping in between those time, so I wasn't eating much. This was because I was struggling with depression and worried about people loving me as someone who was not skinny. Which I have unfortunately struggled with my whole life. But i now have an amazing husband who I know without a doubt, no matter what will love me and think I am beautiful. So i think this makes me feel like i don't have to lose weight so fast, slow is the best way anyhow. I just know the slow is ok, b/c Bryan will love me forever.
It's quite amazing to feel this way, b/c to be frank, I never felt this kind of love from someone towards me growing up except for possibly one person. And he died before i had a chance to acknowledge that amazing love. I am so fortunate, and I know that I am loved. WOW, just to type those words makes me realize how wonderful it it. Bryan's love for me makes me realize how much more amazing and real God's love for me is. I will always be beautiful. But I won't quit trying to get in better shape and be healthier either.
I really neeed to write more frequently so I don't write so much each time and I have a chance to try to write better. I always feel so rushed in updating this blog, b/c I have so much I want to say. hehe.
Anyhow things are good, I've really been on my knees a lot in prayer lately for people in my life and things in my personal life, and God is truly blessing Bryan and I in our weaknesses and stress. So it's all gonna be ok and God has an amazing plan.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Pleasing Everyone or Pleasing God?
If you know me at all, you know that I am a big ''people pleaser." I always try to please everyone. I've done this since I can remember. This is what causes my constant phrase, "I'm sorry." But as I have been going through a bible study that is making me very much aware of how big my people pleaser trait is going.
I also have a hard time claiming the forgiveness that God has promised if we confess and believe. I'm realizing that when I let fellow followers of Christ down, I start to somehow feel I have completely let God down. This problem has caused me to take a long time to get over and/or let go of certain relationships I've had in my life that are now over or are not as strong as I once thought they would be.
This is a problem for me. For so long I have equated showing God's love to people and kindness to pleasing everyone. For all those other people pleasers our there, THIS IS NOT AT ALL TRUE.
Jesus did not try to please everyone. He didn't care if everyone wasn't pleased with the way he lived His life. This problem is related to the problem of not being able to say "no," and stick up for myself.
So the question is, by trying to please everyone around you are you really pleasing God? I would have to say, "no." We are called to live a life that doesn't please everyone, but that is in accordance to God's commands and Jesus' life.
These are just some thoughts I've been having. Believe me I'm praying and working on it a lot.
I also have a hard time claiming the forgiveness that God has promised if we confess and believe. I'm realizing that when I let fellow followers of Christ down, I start to somehow feel I have completely let God down. This problem has caused me to take a long time to get over and/or let go of certain relationships I've had in my life that are now over or are not as strong as I once thought they would be.
This is a problem for me. For so long I have equated showing God's love to people and kindness to pleasing everyone. For all those other people pleasers our there, THIS IS NOT AT ALL TRUE.
Jesus did not try to please everyone. He didn't care if everyone wasn't pleased with the way he lived His life. This problem is related to the problem of not being able to say "no," and stick up for myself.
So the question is, by trying to please everyone around you are you really pleasing God? I would have to say, "no." We are called to live a life that doesn't please everyone, but that is in accordance to God's commands and Jesus' life.
These are just some thoughts I've been having. Believe me I'm praying and working on it a lot.
Friday, September 24, 2010
The Skinny Dieters
This is for all those tormented skinny people out there.
May I explain...
As many of you may know I have been on the famous weight watchers diet since March, and I have managed to lose 16lbs, which after my weigh in tomorrow may be down to only 13 lbs, due to my past month of stress, bordem and just plain giving up hope to ever lose weight. This has been a long journey for me.
I started out very strong as many do, with some support and fellow weight watchers dieters on the same journey. I was working out hard and reached a goal in exercise that I have had for a long while which was to be able to run 3 miles straight. I was very proud and as the pounds came off slowly I was happy and trying to not get discouraged by how slow it was going. I love my husband to death but working out is in no way 'his thing,' and so he had a rough time showing his support through working out with me. So this was an obstacle, but that's not where most the tormenting comes in.
As I started my journey I wanted to tell others to get support and be held accountable. Well I got a little less than support. I don't want to totally forget about the very few that did support me and tell me I could do it and it was ok, "Thank you." But the ones that were discouraging in ways I'm not sure they knew, outweighed the good.
"You are already skinny," "you don't need to lose weight," "You have to understand that when you are already skinny you wont lost the weight as fast as others," "If you lose weight, you will disappear," "A size 4 is way too skinny," "You are beautiful the way you are," "You don't have to worry about losing weight," "Bryan, like's the way you look, right, so why change," " You can't just stop eating all good food, you have to still enjoy life and eat something," etc...
Does anyone know what I mean? I think people say these things to make me feel better, but PEOPLE, I NEED YOU TO SUPPORT ME IN THE WEIGHT LOSS, NOT THE UNHEALTHY LIFE IM LIVING NOW BY THE WAY I EAT, WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING BY SAYING I SHOULDNT BE ON A DIET. Im not going to be anorexic or extemely under a healthy weight, Yes I want to lose weight, so that I don't get to a point where some people are. The point where you feel you have no more hope to ever lose it. I know I am beautiful, but I will still be beautiful when I tone up, lose weight, and have a healthier body. But I want to lose weight the healthy way, through good eating and exercising. Why can't I at least get support in the way that I'm trying to do it?
I truly believe that it is hard for people who need to lose around 100lbs or more to lose all that weight, and it can seem so overwhelming. But you have so much support out there and you can do it, you just need to start moving and start changing.
But I think it is so much harder for those somewhat skinny people out there that are not extremely overweight but need to lose 30 lbs or less. It's hard to find support, b/c we have so many people that think we look fine bc they see us as having a 'healthy weight."
I'm not happy with how my body looks. And so what if I'm older now and I'm not as active, I still have a right to look good in a bathing suit and love my body.
I need support. I have given up so much at this over and over again and only gotten bigger due to it, b/c I don't have someone telling me I support you in this and going along with me in the journey. I need someone to tell me that it's ok to want to lose weight and your goal weight is still a great healthy weight.
I guess I need to start a skinny people diet club. It's seems they are all over in Hollywood, guess I could move there. Anyhow, I hope someone out there knows how I am feeling. My journey is long from over and I'm in a rut. I don't want to have to defend myself every time I order a healthier meal, turn down a snack packed with sugar, orjsut flat out say I'm on a diet.
P.S. I'm on my journey in weight watchers again and back to working out. One day at a time, right.
May I explain...
As many of you may know I have been on the famous weight watchers diet since March, and I have managed to lose 16lbs, which after my weigh in tomorrow may be down to only 13 lbs, due to my past month of stress, bordem and just plain giving up hope to ever lose weight. This has been a long journey for me.
I started out very strong as many do, with some support and fellow weight watchers dieters on the same journey. I was working out hard and reached a goal in exercise that I have had for a long while which was to be able to run 3 miles straight. I was very proud and as the pounds came off slowly I was happy and trying to not get discouraged by how slow it was going. I love my husband to death but working out is in no way 'his thing,' and so he had a rough time showing his support through working out with me. So this was an obstacle, but that's not where most the tormenting comes in.
As I started my journey I wanted to tell others to get support and be held accountable. Well I got a little less than support. I don't want to totally forget about the very few that did support me and tell me I could do it and it was ok, "Thank you." But the ones that were discouraging in ways I'm not sure they knew, outweighed the good.
"You are already skinny," "you don't need to lose weight," "You have to understand that when you are already skinny you wont lost the weight as fast as others," "If you lose weight, you will disappear," "A size 4 is way too skinny," "You are beautiful the way you are," "You don't have to worry about losing weight," "Bryan, like's the way you look, right, so why change," " You can't just stop eating all good food, you have to still enjoy life and eat something," etc...
Does anyone know what I mean? I think people say these things to make me feel better, but PEOPLE, I NEED YOU TO SUPPORT ME IN THE WEIGHT LOSS, NOT THE UNHEALTHY LIFE IM LIVING NOW BY THE WAY I EAT, WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING BY SAYING I SHOULDNT BE ON A DIET. Im not going to be anorexic or extemely under a healthy weight, Yes I want to lose weight, so that I don't get to a point where some people are. The point where you feel you have no more hope to ever lose it. I know I am beautiful, but I will still be beautiful when I tone up, lose weight, and have a healthier body. But I want to lose weight the healthy way, through good eating and exercising. Why can't I at least get support in the way that I'm trying to do it?
I truly believe that it is hard for people who need to lose around 100lbs or more to lose all that weight, and it can seem so overwhelming. But you have so much support out there and you can do it, you just need to start moving and start changing.
But I think it is so much harder for those somewhat skinny people out there that are not extremely overweight but need to lose 30 lbs or less. It's hard to find support, b/c we have so many people that think we look fine bc they see us as having a 'healthy weight."
I'm not happy with how my body looks. And so what if I'm older now and I'm not as active, I still have a right to look good in a bathing suit and love my body.
I need support. I have given up so much at this over and over again and only gotten bigger due to it, b/c I don't have someone telling me I support you in this and going along with me in the journey. I need someone to tell me that it's ok to want to lose weight and your goal weight is still a great healthy weight.
I guess I need to start a skinny people diet club. It's seems they are all over in Hollywood, guess I could move there. Anyhow, I hope someone out there knows how I am feeling. My journey is long from over and I'm in a rut. I don't want to have to defend myself every time I order a healthier meal, turn down a snack packed with sugar, orjsut flat out say I'm on a diet.
P.S. I'm on my journey in weight watchers again and back to working out. One day at a time, right.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
As many of you know I was in a car accident the first week of August. Since then I have been going to the chiropractor regularly, because my neck and upper back got injured a bit. If you have known me for longer than three years, you know I was in a major car accident three years ago coming back to college after Thanksgiving, and it took a long time to get everything settled, and even then I was still not able to completely heal from the injury. So I have been feeling a little frustrated by having to go through the whole chiropractor thing and having an attorney.
Then last Friday I went to my appt. at the chiro. and there was a mother and daughter there for the first time. I overheard them talking about their injuries due to a car accident they had been in. I instantly felt such pain and sorrow for both of them, not only are they injured but they both have to go through dealing with the insurance and paying medical bills. Wow, i'm so glad that I was the only one in the car both accidents I've had, and no one else got hurt. That has to be overwhelming and just stressful.
The simple event of seeing and overhearing these two ladies made me so thankful for all my blessings and safety I have had due to God. It made me think, ''this will be alright, and I will get better."
We must have faith and proclaim that faith before God, and I truly believe he will provide.
Then last Friday I went to my appt. at the chiro. and there was a mother and daughter there for the first time. I overheard them talking about their injuries due to a car accident they had been in. I instantly felt such pain and sorrow for both of them, not only are they injured but they both have to go through dealing with the insurance and paying medical bills. Wow, i'm so glad that I was the only one in the car both accidents I've had, and no one else got hurt. That has to be overwhelming and just stressful.
The simple event of seeing and overhearing these two ladies made me so thankful for all my blessings and safety I have had due to God. It made me think, ''this will be alright, and I will get better."
We must have faith and proclaim that faith before God, and I truly believe he will provide.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I haven't written a blog for awhile, so I'm going to try to come up with something. I always stray away from writing, b/c to be honest I'm not sure it is even read, but really does that even matter...NO.
So I'm going to ramble for a little bit, without thinking what someone will think when reading it or if anyone will read it.
I've been thinking a lot since I saw the movie Eat Pray Love. I enjoyed it very much. I liked many parts but one line stuck out to me. "I want to marvel at something..."
When is the last time you have just sat and marveled at something? For me, it'd been so long I have no idea. I am the type of person that likes having things planned out, it makes me happy to know what exactly is going to happen. This is one trait my husband carries very well and it gives me security I'm not sure I have ever felt. But there are days, and I've always carried this contradicting trait, I don't want to have a clue what we are doing, I want to be surprised, I want to be overwhelmed, overjoyed, filled with laughter or sadness. I want to feel huge emotions!
I want to be so overjoyed that I can't help but cry, because it's the one thing that can truly show that joy I feel. I want to be overjoyed by something outside of myself. I have two times I can think of right of the top of my head, when I was truly overjoyed that I was brought to tears.
1.) In Jamaica. This was my first mission trip and I was 16 years old. We went to an orphanage to just hold babies and play with the children. I fell in love with this tiny little girl whom was just sitting in her crib with a wet diaper when we got there. I was drawn to her instantly and spent most the day with her. Her name was Kevon. While I tried to hold other babies and play with the beautiful children of God, my mom held kevon and played with her. When my mom took her inside to change her diaper for the second time, she started to cry and squirm a bit. When I look in the room filled with baby cribs where my mom was changing her, this is what I heard... Manda, manda. She was saying my name. I guess she had learned it by hearing the others in my group talking to me, I was instantly overjoyed and filled with tears and happiness...oh and it was her first word.
2.) I was a junior in college. The day my friend, Steve Hogans had his lung transplant and came through with great success. I was so scared when he went into surgery but so happy they had found a donor. That was a great day.
Have I become cold and complacent? have I structured my life so much for fear of getting hurt, that now i'm hurting myself and my love for life? When is the last time I cried for someone due to a bad situation or just because I was sad about how they were living their life:
1.) I won't include the age on this one. It was at a camp I attended and a girl confided in me that she was being abused by her mother at home, and had starting cutting to release the pain. It hurts me just to write this. This girl has stopped cutting now, but does other things to numb the past away.
2.) Every time I see a commercial about the children in various countries that are starving, and taking bath in the same water they are using as the toilet. I remember seeing these since I was little and knowing that I needed to help change this situation and therefore change the world. Well we have a dvr, and with that we fast foward through the commercials. Therefore I don't see these commercials very often.
"Grandpa I will change the world." This would be one of the things he would tell you I always said to him, if you could ask him. But I wonder now am I doing enough to change the world to something better. I love my husband and know he would say I ahve changed his and I do not discount that as something. ButI want to change the world for people that are so sad and hurt by this world, they are taking actions to leave it.
And lasting, the last time I have marveled at somthing, and was filled with happiness.
Again I'll share two of my favorite times...
1.) Laying in the field at Inspiration Acres Camp Grounds, and looking at all the stars covering the sky. I still believe it is the best place to look at stars. I use to do it every year at camp. I remember just being in awe of the beauty and the silence of the sky.
2.) Going to a MLB game. It was at the minute maid field in Houston. The Astros played the Cardinals (my favorite team). I was in awe, I remember crying when we got there adn saw the field and all the players. It was truly beautiful to me. I love baseball and I have always wanted to go to the porfessional game.
3.) The day I got married, it was so surreal. It was beautiful. The biggest part I marveled at was when Bryan sang to me. He sang and looked at me and let me know by his look that he was going to take care of me and love me for the rest of his life. Oh I loved getting married. I always tell people I wish we could get married over and over again to each other. hehe.
Anyhow, this has become very long. I have been brought to slight tears just writing some of this. I need to figure out a way to feel passionate again about people and life. I think there is one thing starting up in my life soon that will throw passion back in my whole being. But we as Christians can't become so complacent, we need to see and feel the beauty of the Lord in this world. I want to feel and see that beauty naturally without having to think about it. So I need to be intentional in finding ways to bring that joy into my sight.
So those are some things I have had on my mind. Until next time, be overwhelmed by something other than yourself.
So I'm going to ramble for a little bit, without thinking what someone will think when reading it or if anyone will read it.
I've been thinking a lot since I saw the movie Eat Pray Love. I enjoyed it very much. I liked many parts but one line stuck out to me. "I want to marvel at something..."
When is the last time you have just sat and marveled at something? For me, it'd been so long I have no idea. I am the type of person that likes having things planned out, it makes me happy to know what exactly is going to happen. This is one trait my husband carries very well and it gives me security I'm not sure I have ever felt. But there are days, and I've always carried this contradicting trait, I don't want to have a clue what we are doing, I want to be surprised, I want to be overwhelmed, overjoyed, filled with laughter or sadness. I want to feel huge emotions!
I want to be so overjoyed that I can't help but cry, because it's the one thing that can truly show that joy I feel. I want to be overjoyed by something outside of myself. I have two times I can think of right of the top of my head, when I was truly overjoyed that I was brought to tears.
1.) In Jamaica. This was my first mission trip and I was 16 years old. We went to an orphanage to just hold babies and play with the children. I fell in love with this tiny little girl whom was just sitting in her crib with a wet diaper when we got there. I was drawn to her instantly and spent most the day with her. Her name was Kevon. While I tried to hold other babies and play with the beautiful children of God, my mom held kevon and played with her. When my mom took her inside to change her diaper for the second time, she started to cry and squirm a bit. When I look in the room filled with baby cribs where my mom was changing her, this is what I heard... Manda, manda. She was saying my name. I guess she had learned it by hearing the others in my group talking to me, I was instantly overjoyed and filled with tears and happiness...oh and it was her first word.
2.) I was a junior in college. The day my friend, Steve Hogans had his lung transplant and came through with great success. I was so scared when he went into surgery but so happy they had found a donor. That was a great day.
Have I become cold and complacent? have I structured my life so much for fear of getting hurt, that now i'm hurting myself and my love for life? When is the last time I cried for someone due to a bad situation or just because I was sad about how they were living their life:
1.) I won't include the age on this one. It was at a camp I attended and a girl confided in me that she was being abused by her mother at home, and had starting cutting to release the pain. It hurts me just to write this. This girl has stopped cutting now, but does other things to numb the past away.
2.) Every time I see a commercial about the children in various countries that are starving, and taking bath in the same water they are using as the toilet. I remember seeing these since I was little and knowing that I needed to help change this situation and therefore change the world. Well we have a dvr, and with that we fast foward through the commercials. Therefore I don't see these commercials very often.
"Grandpa I will change the world." This would be one of the things he would tell you I always said to him, if you could ask him. But I wonder now am I doing enough to change the world to something better. I love my husband and know he would say I ahve changed his and I do not discount that as something. ButI want to change the world for people that are so sad and hurt by this world, they are taking actions to leave it.
And lasting, the last time I have marveled at somthing, and was filled with happiness.
Again I'll share two of my favorite times...
1.) Laying in the field at Inspiration Acres Camp Grounds, and looking at all the stars covering the sky. I still believe it is the best place to look at stars. I use to do it every year at camp. I remember just being in awe of the beauty and the silence of the sky.
2.) Going to a MLB game. It was at the minute maid field in Houston. The Astros played the Cardinals (my favorite team). I was in awe, I remember crying when we got there adn saw the field and all the players. It was truly beautiful to me. I love baseball and I have always wanted to go to the porfessional game.
3.) The day I got married, it was so surreal. It was beautiful. The biggest part I marveled at was when Bryan sang to me. He sang and looked at me and let me know by his look that he was going to take care of me and love me for the rest of his life. Oh I loved getting married. I always tell people I wish we could get married over and over again to each other. hehe.
Anyhow, this has become very long. I have been brought to slight tears just writing some of this. I need to figure out a way to feel passionate again about people and life. I think there is one thing starting up in my life soon that will throw passion back in my whole being. But we as Christians can't become so complacent, we need to see and feel the beauty of the Lord in this world. I want to feel and see that beauty naturally without having to think about it. So I need to be intentional in finding ways to bring that joy into my sight.
So those are some things I have had on my mind. Until next time, be overwhelmed by something other than yourself.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Where Were You
I was in the car driving home from lunch and had a country mood moment. This happens often. And the Alan Jackson song that says 'Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?" First of all, I can't believe this song is so popular, and second it made me think about that day.
I was at my new high school, JFK High School, walking out of Spanish Class to English (favorite class). I heard people talking about the planes, and had no idea what they were talking about. Then I go to English and saw the tv. I felt like the whole world had stopped and I felt so alone instantly. This was the first time since I was a young girl that I realized I may not be as safe as I thought I was.
I remember talking to a very important person in my life at that time about it after school and this person just said they had heard and that was it. I felt like, "who are you to not care about this world and how can you not be sad knowing all the people that just lost their lives and the families of those people, who would never see their spouse, sister, brother, dad, mom, daughter, grandson, etc again. This was a huge moment in my life. This was the moment I realized the most important person in my life at that time was nothing like me and we were growing apart quickly.
I say all this, because I don't think anyone will forget that day and where they were, b/c it stunned and shook us all. I hate when we decided to go to war in Iraq, but after many months of prayer and tears over the people I knew were dying, I started to realize that we needed the protection and it was done b/c it was the best thing the President could think to do. I understood why we were there.
But, can I ask, why after 9 years are we still there, I no longer understand?? Some people say we need to finish what we started, but I think we finished that a long time ago. I'm not blaming anyone for why we are still there nor am I wanting an argument, just answers.
Well these were some thoughts I was having today, with all this all I can do is pray for all those people fighting for us her and all the government officials. For God is still on His throne and still in control. We can trust in him.
I was at my new high school, JFK High School, walking out of Spanish Class to English (favorite class). I heard people talking about the planes, and had no idea what they were talking about. Then I go to English and saw the tv. I felt like the whole world had stopped and I felt so alone instantly. This was the first time since I was a young girl that I realized I may not be as safe as I thought I was.
I remember talking to a very important person in my life at that time about it after school and this person just said they had heard and that was it. I felt like, "who are you to not care about this world and how can you not be sad knowing all the people that just lost their lives and the families of those people, who would never see their spouse, sister, brother, dad, mom, daughter, grandson, etc again. This was a huge moment in my life. This was the moment I realized the most important person in my life at that time was nothing like me and we were growing apart quickly.
I say all this, because I don't think anyone will forget that day and where they were, b/c it stunned and shook us all. I hate when we decided to go to war in Iraq, but after many months of prayer and tears over the people I knew were dying, I started to realize that we needed the protection and it was done b/c it was the best thing the President could think to do. I understood why we were there.
But, can I ask, why after 9 years are we still there, I no longer understand?? Some people say we need to finish what we started, but I think we finished that a long time ago. I'm not blaming anyone for why we are still there nor am I wanting an argument, just answers.
Well these were some thoughts I was having today, with all this all I can do is pray for all those people fighting for us her and all the government officials. For God is still on His throne and still in control. We can trust in him.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Brace Face.
Well I was finally able to get braces, and I thought I would start it out right with hot pink rubber bands. I've have them for a week now, and they still hurt. I'm definitely getting used to them , but try to give me a cool ranch dorrito (my favorite kind of chip) and I will have to deny. I haven't mastered eating hard stuff yet. In the morning I have to wait ten minutes to eat my cereal so it soft enough to eat. This will be a long journey, but I'm excited to finally have a smile I've always dreamed of. I'm so blessed to have a husband who loves me and understands me so much to allow an extra monthly payment for me to have a life long dream. I know how dramatic, but for me braces means a lot.
In other news, i'm enjoying having Nev Nev home and staying with us. This week went so fast and wasn't as stressful due to me knowing I get to see her and that we are able to let her stay with us, for as long as she needs.
Welp, guess that's all for now.
In other news, i'm enjoying having Nev Nev home and staying with us. This week went so fast and wasn't as stressful due to me knowing I get to see her and that we are able to let her stay with us, for as long as she needs.
Before
AfterWelp, guess that's all for now.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Well I feel like I've been busy since the last time I wrote. We have a puppy now as many of you know. She's is a wonderful mess and a handful, SMILE. Yesterday I was trying to teach her something and she kept running and hiding or grabbing the treat from my hand without doing what I asked and was trying to teach. Then at one point she sat on my legs as I laid down to take a nap and turned to look at me and STUCK HER TONGUE OUT at me, it was probably not on purpose but it sure looked like it was. That little crazy girl. I feel so much like a mom with her though.
My Grandma and Great Uncle Lawrence came to visit last weekend, that was so nice to see them. They were just driving through to get to their sisters in Texas and decided to stop. I miss my grandma so much sometimes. I think Bryan and I are going to try to go to Iowa for the 4th of July, and stay with my dad and step mom for two days and with my grandma for two days. I love small town 4th of July events!
I'm on weight watchers. I've lost 11 lbs so far, and it's taking me forever to do it, I weigh in every Sunday and this week I've worked out so hard and really pushed myself so I'm sure I lost something at least. The past few week I've hit a plateau and it's been so hard to lose anything, but I have only gained one pound during this no lose streak. It's hard to lose weight when you don't have a whole lot to lose. It comes off slower. But I'm still charging on to this new healthy lifestyle and better way of eating. Bryan is helping me a lot. It took him a while but he's come around in the past month and wants to eat healthy with me and he's working out with me when he gets off work in time. I love that man, he makes me want to be a better person, but he loves me as I am so much and he never forgets to tell me and show me that. I am so blessed.
starting weight: 154lbs
Goal weight: 125lbs
Current weight: 143lbs
Still have a ways to go. But I finally believe enough in myself to know that I can do this and I deserve this as well.
Well this post is pretty long, so I will close it up for now, and write later.
My Grandma and Great Uncle Lawrence came to visit last weekend, that was so nice to see them. They were just driving through to get to their sisters in Texas and decided to stop. I miss my grandma so much sometimes. I think Bryan and I are going to try to go to Iowa for the 4th of July, and stay with my dad and step mom for two days and with my grandma for two days. I love small town 4th of July events!
I'm on weight watchers. I've lost 11 lbs so far, and it's taking me forever to do it, I weigh in every Sunday and this week I've worked out so hard and really pushed myself so I'm sure I lost something at least. The past few week I've hit a plateau and it's been so hard to lose anything, but I have only gained one pound during this no lose streak. It's hard to lose weight when you don't have a whole lot to lose. It comes off slower. But I'm still charging on to this new healthy lifestyle and better way of eating. Bryan is helping me a lot. It took him a while but he's come around in the past month and wants to eat healthy with me and he's working out with me when he gets off work in time. I love that man, he makes me want to be a better person, but he loves me as I am so much and he never forgets to tell me and show me that. I am so blessed.
starting weight: 154lbs
Goal weight: 125lbs
Current weight: 143lbs
Still have a ways to go. But I finally believe enough in myself to know that I can do this and I deserve this as well.
Well this post is pretty long, so I will close it up for now, and write later.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
So Bryan and I bought a house, as most of you already know. We close on Friday, I'm so so excited. I've never lived in a home for an extended period of time that was owned, and now I am going to be a home owner. I'm so ready for Friday.
This is the perfect place to grow our family when the time is right too. We plan on starting with a dog some time soon. yahooooo. I will post pictures soon.
This is the perfect place to grow our family when the time is right too. We plan on starting with a dog some time soon. yahooooo. I will post pictures soon.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Chitism
Here are the rules:Use only one word, pass along to six favorite bloggers, and tell 'em you did so.
1. Where is your cell phone? floor
2. Your hair? Brown
5. Your favorite food? Cheese
6. Your dream last night? foggy
7. Your favorite drink? punch
8. Your dream/goal? Difference
9. What room are you in? Living
10. Your hobby? reading (latest)
11. Your fear? Self-anger
12. Where do you want to be in six years? mommy
13. Where were you last night? Gym
14. Something that you aren't? mad
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? ipod
17. Where did you grow up? college (maturity) Iowa (age)
18. Last thing you did? toenails.
19. What are you wearing? jeans
20. Your TV? active
21. Your pets? undiscovered
22. Friends? wonderful
23. Your life? blessed
24. Your mood? hopeful
25. Missing someone? Grandma
26. Vehicle? Kirby
27. Something you're not wearing? shoes
28. Your favorite store? Borders
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? lunch
31. Last time you cried? weekend
32. Your best friend? Bryan
33. One place that I could go over and over? Grandma's
34. One person who emails you regularly? Jamie
35. Favorite place to eat? Roadhouse
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Hopes went up, and then hopes came down... QUICKLY
I will probably make some people mad by the words that are about to be written. I have a tendency to get my hopes up about lots of things, especially when it's a date with Bryan that consists of going somewhere other than the movies. So last Friday we went to the Oklahoma State fair. How to describe the fair, hmm... searching for words... well sorry but, 'let down' is all I can say. The mayor recently made a plan to spend lots of money to fix up OKC some more including the state fair grounds, and if that means making it not so much of a sad event for me, then I'm all for the money being spent.
NOT EVERYTHING was a let down, the food, it always makes my taste buds happy, but I hate to say that I felt as if I could have stopped at sonic and went to Bricktown and did all the same things that the fair had, except I would have spent a lot less money. So along with the food we did walk through the buildings, but after that, we got bored. Now our feet did really hurt because of work all day, but we wanted more to see, more to do.
So we went to the ride part of the fair, and we did see things we wanted to ride, but thought about how we could spend the money on food instead, so we went back to where all the food was and got snack foods... hehehe we eat too much.
Here's the kicker for me, I'm from Iowa originally. I went to the Iowa state fair most of my life, only missing a few years of going due to lack of money. The Iowa state fair is a place that millions of people visit every summer at the begining of August. If you know me at all you all know that I do not ever want to live in Iowa again and it was a boring place to grow up in, but the Fair made up for the boring summers, it was Amazing. I loved the Iowa State Fair. now people who have never been to the Iowa state fair and only the Ok state fair don't like that I say that, b/c this fair is all they know. Bryan often asks me, what more could a fair have, and then I go on with all the things that I am used to at a state fair
I have been to the OK state fair three times now and have not been impressed at all. no maybe I go at the wrong time of the day and I'm missing something. I was beginning to think that maybe the Iowa state fair was only as great as I had imagined it was UNTIL I started to work at the vet's hospital. My boss, the vet and his wife have been through Iowa many times due to having friends from there, and they have been to the IA state fair, and they said after that they really haven't been back the OK state fair, because it is just not too interesting, it all seems the same each year. They have friends in Canada that are from iowa and make the trip every year to go back to the Iowa fair because they love it, which is when I knew that my fond memoried of the IA state fair. It's not just a whole lot more land, which is true, that makes it better in my opinion, it's the more things they have to do and watch. I love the talent shows and they have them consistently throughout the whole day.
Anyhow I say all this not to say that you all can't like the Oklahoma state fair, b/c maybe it is all you know; maybe it holds some great memoried for you, which all that is great. But I just wanted to put it out there that i left a very sad, disappointed girl after the fair. Except for the corndogs that floated around in my tummy...
NOT EVERYTHING was a let down, the food, it always makes my taste buds happy, but I hate to say that I felt as if I could have stopped at sonic and went to Bricktown and did all the same things that the fair had, except I would have spent a lot less money. So along with the food we did walk through the buildings, but after that, we got bored. Now our feet did really hurt because of work all day, but we wanted more to see, more to do.
So we went to the ride part of the fair, and we did see things we wanted to ride, but thought about how we could spend the money on food instead, so we went back to where all the food was and got snack foods... hehehe we eat too much.
Here's the kicker for me, I'm from Iowa originally. I went to the Iowa state fair most of my life, only missing a few years of going due to lack of money. The Iowa state fair is a place that millions of people visit every summer at the begining of August. If you know me at all you all know that I do not ever want to live in Iowa again and it was a boring place to grow up in, but the Fair made up for the boring summers, it was Amazing. I loved the Iowa State Fair. now people who have never been to the Iowa state fair and only the Ok state fair don't like that I say that, b/c this fair is all they know. Bryan often asks me, what more could a fair have, and then I go on with all the things that I am used to at a state fair
I have been to the OK state fair three times now and have not been impressed at all. no maybe I go at the wrong time of the day and I'm missing something. I was beginning to think that maybe the Iowa state fair was only as great as I had imagined it was UNTIL I started to work at the vet's hospital. My boss, the vet and his wife have been through Iowa many times due to having friends from there, and they have been to the IA state fair, and they said after that they really haven't been back the OK state fair, because it is just not too interesting, it all seems the same each year. They have friends in Canada that are from iowa and make the trip every year to go back to the Iowa fair because they love it, which is when I knew that my fond memoried of the IA state fair. It's not just a whole lot more land, which is true, that makes it better in my opinion, it's the more things they have to do and watch. I love the talent shows and they have them consistently throughout the whole day.
Anyhow I say all this not to say that you all can't like the Oklahoma state fair, b/c maybe it is all you know; maybe it holds some great memoried for you, which all that is great. But I just wanted to put it out there that i left a very sad, disappointed girl after the fair. Except for the corndogs that floated around in my tummy...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Praise the Lord, Command!
We are creatures of habit.
We've all heard it over and over throughout our lives, and to be frank, I HATE THAT PHRASE!!! Why do I hate it, you ask? Well first of all, because I hate things to be said over and over, it just bugs me. We hear it in sermons. We hear it on the evening news. But the main reason I am really hate hearing it is because IT IS SO TRUE! Every time it's used I am reminded that I have things I need to work on, things to change, and of course habits that I've created for myself that I keep going back to over and over again, as if there is some star wars style force pulling me back. Everyone hates to hear something that completely challenges them. This is something that challenges me.
These habits I speak of are, of course, habits that are not benefiting me at all.
I say all this because I have a habit that I want to break, majorly and not go back to. I am a worrier, if you have known me for longer than a month you know that I worry about things, and usually it's little things, but none the less I worry. When this worry comes upon me it makes my mind crazy, the first few moments and days of a certain worry I can handle it a little, but then my mind starts to think about all the times that I have struggled. Then I start to questions, 'why,' like "why did all that have to happen to me." Then I get sad, and that sadness can stay even after the worry leaves and if I don't control it or do something exciting and happy to make me forget, I will get depressed. And this, as you can imagine, causes me to have a very negative attitude. Sometimes all of this comes on me so fast. All of this causes me to have horrible headaches, and stomach problems for months on end. So basically this affects me in all areas of my life.
So I need to change. This is how: The 'Praise the Lord, Command!' So I originally came up with 'Praise the Lord, Project,' but it's not a project and it sounded a little too much like the movie Julie and Julia. It's something I am commanded to do every moment of my day and have disobeyed for way too long.
I wrote on facebook earlier this evening that we are commanded to praise the Lord and rejoice in him always and now I need to actually put it into action and you all are holding me accountable.
Everyday until the end of this year, December 31st. I am going to write a praise on my facebook wall, and if I want to expand I will expand here on my blog. I am doing it til the end of the year because I want to see how it changes things for me by the end of this year. Also the holiday season is always a hard one for me in one way or the other. This is a change needed and wanted. There are days I may not be able to write on facebook a praise, b/c I won't have a chance to get to the internet, but on those days I will make up for it with more praise the next few days.
So here's to following God's commands truthfully, positively and faithfully!
We've all heard it over and over throughout our lives, and to be frank, I HATE THAT PHRASE!!! Why do I hate it, you ask? Well first of all, because I hate things to be said over and over, it just bugs me. We hear it in sermons. We hear it on the evening news. But the main reason I am really hate hearing it is because IT IS SO TRUE! Every time it's used I am reminded that I have things I need to work on, things to change, and of course habits that I've created for myself that I keep going back to over and over again, as if there is some star wars style force pulling me back. Everyone hates to hear something that completely challenges them. This is something that challenges me.
These habits I speak of are, of course, habits that are not benefiting me at all.
I say all this because I have a habit that I want to break, majorly and not go back to. I am a worrier, if you have known me for longer than a month you know that I worry about things, and usually it's little things, but none the less I worry. When this worry comes upon me it makes my mind crazy, the first few moments and days of a certain worry I can handle it a little, but then my mind starts to think about all the times that I have struggled. Then I start to questions, 'why,' like "why did all that have to happen to me." Then I get sad, and that sadness can stay even after the worry leaves and if I don't control it or do something exciting and happy to make me forget, I will get depressed. And this, as you can imagine, causes me to have a very negative attitude. Sometimes all of this comes on me so fast. All of this causes me to have horrible headaches, and stomach problems for months on end. So basically this affects me in all areas of my life.
So I need to change. This is how: The 'Praise the Lord, Command!' So I originally came up with 'Praise the Lord, Project,' but it's not a project and it sounded a little too much like the movie Julie and Julia. It's something I am commanded to do every moment of my day and have disobeyed for way too long.
I wrote on facebook earlier this evening that we are commanded to praise the Lord and rejoice in him always and now I need to actually put it into action and you all are holding me accountable.
Everyday until the end of this year, December 31st. I am going to write a praise on my facebook wall, and if I want to expand I will expand here on my blog. I am doing it til the end of the year because I want to see how it changes things for me by the end of this year. Also the holiday season is always a hard one for me in one way or the other. This is a change needed and wanted. There are days I may not be able to write on facebook a praise, b/c I won't have a chance to get to the internet, but on those days I will make up for it with more praise the next few days.
So here's to following God's commands truthfully, positively and faithfully!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Scrubs and puppies, what a job...
So me and Bryan bought a paper yesterday to look at the classifieds. I found many ads and emailed many people. Just as I was about to quit looking Bryan saw an advertisement for a veterinarian hospital. It had a phone number to call after 8:00am today. So I saw Bryan off to work and called the number listed for the veterinarian hospital. I was told to come between 9am-11am today, so I printed off my resume, straightened my hair, put some makeup on and off I went to find this place. Once I finally found it I realized it was a very good distance from our home. only took about 10-12 minutes to get there. There were many ladies there applying for the job as well. After writing down all my information i took it back to the receptionist Vivian. now Vivian was such a cute person, she was older, but one of those classy ladies with the cool blue glasses and cute clothes, asn ad I stood there she whispered something to me, but I couldn't hear her, so she had me come to the back, and told everything she didn't want to talk about personal info in front of everyone.
As I walked to the back she said that she was the vet's wife and wanted me to really meet him. So I proceeded on to his office stopping along the way to pet an adorable shih-zu puppy with the name of angel. So cute. I waited in his office with a slight fear that the stuffed ducks on the wall may someone come of the wall and start pecking at my head. Let me tell you there were a lot of ducks on the wall, pegged him for a hunter. Which was a great way to start the conversation, and once he saw I was fron iowa he decided to tell me all about his last vacation to Canada and how he loves the outdoors. Funny a vet who loves to hunt, hehe, makes me laugh.
Anyways we went on to talk about me and reasons I would like to work there and about the pay and schedule. At the end he told me it was a great interview and he would definitely call me tomorrow....BUT I guess he got antsy and liked me just enough to give me a call tonight, as I answered he said hello amanda? I said yes this is she, and he proceeded without a name, to ask, "Do you want a job?" I instantly knew who it was, I was so excited as I remembed my nap time dream this afternoon of puppies. so He told me to come in this Friday at 8:45am. I will work full time and like one hour on some Saturdays and 1hour in the morning and at night on Sunday morning, which I could do before we leave for church. And the great part, I can wear scrubs all day to work. No morw worried about fat days and feeling gross in my clothes. YAY YAY YAY!!!
Did I mention at the end of the job I said YAY when he said he would call and let me know, guess that was ok. I'm a charmer what can I say.
Then on top of the new job, Bryan got a call from the same person that gave him and his parents their dog, about a shih-zu dog that is 6 months old and they want $75 for. I want a dog so much, but the deposit for pets at our apartments is a huge amoung of $400 and we only get half of that back. Plus it would be hard to take the puppy out everytime they have to got pottie. It would be an investment, so we are still deciding. It is a boy and Bryan really wants a girl, so that's another down fall. huh, we shall see what we do about this. I think we are leaning towards waiting, which is alright.
As I walked to the back she said that she was the vet's wife and wanted me to really meet him. So I proceeded on to his office stopping along the way to pet an adorable shih-zu puppy with the name of angel. So cute. I waited in his office with a slight fear that the stuffed ducks on the wall may someone come of the wall and start pecking at my head. Let me tell you there were a lot of ducks on the wall, pegged him for a hunter. Which was a great way to start the conversation, and once he saw I was fron iowa he decided to tell me all about his last vacation to Canada and how he loves the outdoors. Funny a vet who loves to hunt, hehe, makes me laugh.
Anyways we went on to talk about me and reasons I would like to work there and about the pay and schedule. At the end he told me it was a great interview and he would definitely call me tomorrow....BUT I guess he got antsy and liked me just enough to give me a call tonight, as I answered he said hello amanda? I said yes this is she, and he proceeded without a name, to ask, "Do you want a job?" I instantly knew who it was, I was so excited as I remembed my nap time dream this afternoon of puppies. so He told me to come in this Friday at 8:45am. I will work full time and like one hour on some Saturdays and 1hour in the morning and at night on Sunday morning, which I could do before we leave for church. And the great part, I can wear scrubs all day to work. No morw worried about fat days and feeling gross in my clothes. YAY YAY YAY!!!
Did I mention at the end of the job I said YAY when he said he would call and let me know, guess that was ok. I'm a charmer what can I say.
Then on top of the new job, Bryan got a call from the same person that gave him and his parents their dog, about a shih-zu dog that is 6 months old and they want $75 for. I want a dog so much, but the deposit for pets at our apartments is a huge amoung of $400 and we only get half of that back. Plus it would be hard to take the puppy out everytime they have to got pottie. It would be an investment, so we are still deciding. It is a boy and Bryan really wants a girl, so that's another down fall. huh, we shall see what we do about this. I think we are leaning towards waiting, which is alright.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Faith like a child...
So I had a great day celebrating Bryan's 25th birthday with him. I have this irresistible attraction to birthdays, they make me so happy, especially when I get to be involved in the person's birthday party. So today I woke up happy as a clam. We went out to eat and then went to two movies at Tinseltown.
First movie on the list(full from lunch, a little tired but ready for a good movie):: Julie and Julia-- Now I want to cook better, and blog a whole lot more.
Second movie for the day, (Slightly more tired and ready to eat something):: The Perfect Getaway-- Good movie but came out frustrated, very frustrated and as much as I wish I could say the frustrations came from hating the ending of the movie or the lack of twists after the main twist, but that's not where it came, because the movie was fairly good and I'm glad we saw it.
Where does the frustration come from, you ask?
Answer: PARENTS!!!!!!, well at least the parents at this movie.
I get it that it's hard to find time to go see a good movie when you have children and you need time not just with your children every second of the day, who wouldn't get that?
So of course, so that you can see a good movie, and not have to worry about the children, buy some popcorn, pour on the butter and slap a bag of raisnets in the 6 year old's hands and walk them straight into the Rated R movie and tell them to sit quietly
NO WORRIES RIGHT, the child has their candy and pop and many rows to play hide and seek in so it's time to sit back and watch the movie. But as we sat and watched the blood gush from a ladies hand and the back of a man's scalp be ripped off, all I could think about was the little girl starring at the illuminating screen with her jaw open wide, and eyes big as the hole in the ladies hand that just got shot. Do her parents ever realize what they are doing? Does the child eve realize what she is seeing?
Answer: I don't think they do.
In the bible we are called to come to Christ like little children, pure, curious, without second guessing everything and full of hope and faith... What age can we say now that we want to come to Christ as, when 6 year olds are watching movies full of cussing, nudity, killing, blood, stabbing, and should I go on? No wonder children are beating kids up on the school bus and calling them awful names in only the first grade.
I hear so many arguements on things like this. One would be that if they are hearing and seeing some of the same things at home what's the difference. Maybe there is no difference but does that mean people who work at a theater like this can't stop parent's from taking their children into a movie like this. When does the community at large have a priority to stand up and say no your children cannot come to see that movie. Why can't we try to protect children from a world of hate and promiscuity for at least a little longer than 2 years outta the womb? What's wrong with giving children a little hope in this world when later in life all they will know is lots of hurt, anger, and fear?
I, for one, wish that I could go back and know a world without fear, anger, and hate surrounding me at such a young age, so that when it came at me straight in the face I would not react with a confusion and running shoes, but with a hope for tomorrow.
Yes, I know hope now and a life withour fear everyday, but it took me a while to get there, and I beg parents to REALIZE that protecting your children does not mean you hide everything from them, or teach them that they will never feel hurt. It's about teaching them trust, love and hope no matter what's out there.
So the conclusion: HAVE A DAYCARE AT THE THEATER, I guess. Or, just stop taking children to movies where they can't even spell the body part that just got cut off. There is nothing wrong with instilling a certain hope for good in the world to children! And let's be honest, movies/media have lost that innocense like a child and hope for a better tomorrow.
Why not be the ones to bring it back?
First movie on the list(full from lunch, a little tired but ready for a good movie):: Julie and Julia-- Now I want to cook better, and blog a whole lot more.
Second movie for the day, (Slightly more tired and ready to eat something):: The Perfect Getaway-- Good movie but came out frustrated, very frustrated and as much as I wish I could say the frustrations came from hating the ending of the movie or the lack of twists after the main twist, but that's not where it came, because the movie was fairly good and I'm glad we saw it.
Where does the frustration come from, you ask?
Answer: PARENTS!!!!!!, well at least the parents at this movie.
I get it that it's hard to find time to go see a good movie when you have children and you need time not just with your children every second of the day, who wouldn't get that?
So of course, so that you can see a good movie, and not have to worry about the children, buy some popcorn, pour on the butter and slap a bag of raisnets in the 6 year old's hands and walk them straight into the Rated R movie and tell them to sit quietly
NO WORRIES RIGHT, the child has their candy and pop and many rows to play hide and seek in so it's time to sit back and watch the movie. But as we sat and watched the blood gush from a ladies hand and the back of a man's scalp be ripped off, all I could think about was the little girl starring at the illuminating screen with her jaw open wide, and eyes big as the hole in the ladies hand that just got shot. Do her parents ever realize what they are doing? Does the child eve realize what she is seeing?
Answer: I don't think they do.
In the bible we are called to come to Christ like little children, pure, curious, without second guessing everything and full of hope and faith... What age can we say now that we want to come to Christ as, when 6 year olds are watching movies full of cussing, nudity, killing, blood, stabbing, and should I go on? No wonder children are beating kids up on the school bus and calling them awful names in only the first grade.
I hear so many arguements on things like this. One would be that if they are hearing and seeing some of the same things at home what's the difference. Maybe there is no difference but does that mean people who work at a theater like this can't stop parent's from taking their children into a movie like this. When does the community at large have a priority to stand up and say no your children cannot come to see that movie. Why can't we try to protect children from a world of hate and promiscuity for at least a little longer than 2 years outta the womb? What's wrong with giving children a little hope in this world when later in life all they will know is lots of hurt, anger, and fear?
I, for one, wish that I could go back and know a world without fear, anger, and hate surrounding me at such a young age, so that when it came at me straight in the face I would not react with a confusion and running shoes, but with a hope for tomorrow.
Yes, I know hope now and a life withour fear everyday, but it took me a while to get there, and I beg parents to REALIZE that protecting your children does not mean you hide everything from them, or teach them that they will never feel hurt. It's about teaching them trust, love and hope no matter what's out there.
So the conclusion: HAVE A DAYCARE AT THE THEATER, I guess. Or, just stop taking children to movies where they can't even spell the body part that just got cut off. There is nothing wrong with instilling a certain hope for good in the world to children! And let's be honest, movies/media have lost that innocense like a child and hope for a better tomorrow.
Why not be the ones to bring it back?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I love marriage.
So I got married in May, right. And the man I married, Bryan is the most amazing person. He is perfect for me. he pushes me to be a better person, and to get things done even when I feel like giving up. He loves me so much, and to be honest, I have complete trust in him and the fact that he will never leave voluntarily, he's around for good. I'm so blessed to have him in my life.
BUT... be aware people, when you get married things change and they change fast. I have so many extremely supportive friend who loves Bryan and are so happy for both of us. But when you are married, I think that people start thinking you no longer have much time to do anything else except be with your spouse. And yes, Bryan is my favorite person in the world and the person I want to be with the most, but i want to see other people and hang out with them. Now I'm not saying that all my friends have forgotten me, they haven't, but life is different now, things are definitely harder now. I'm learner to live life without a lot of people around me at all times like I had for the last five years at MACU... It's weird not having that and I love my quiet, but I do miss people being there to hang out with or to talk to.
I have listened and taken mental notes from so many speakers on marriage and how to keep it healthy. One big thing that I really want is to have a girl-friend that I can talk with, now that doesn't mean it's someone I can talk bad about Bryan to, no way, but a person whom I can vent with or just hang out with so I have another person who helps me grow as a follower of Christ, and I can help her as well. They always say it's good to have friends outside of just your spouse. I crave that. It's my blog, i'll be honest. I'm ready to move. I will miss Bryan's family especially his mom, who has shown me so much love, and I will miss other people. But I'm ready to be in a new state, with different things to do and makes new friends as a couple with Bryan. Also people who don't know the old me unless I want to let them know that shy girl and all the mistakes I made.
I'm ready for a start in a new place, just Bryan and I and I'm ready to let go of people in my life that I have come to realize that I depended on a whole lot and now that I'm married I dont have them, and that's ok. i've experienced anger and frustrations and sadness about it, but all in all realized that I'm just fine and I will be ok.
BUT... be aware people, when you get married things change and they change fast. I have so many extremely supportive friend who loves Bryan and are so happy for both of us. But when you are married, I think that people start thinking you no longer have much time to do anything else except be with your spouse. And yes, Bryan is my favorite person in the world and the person I want to be with the most, but i want to see other people and hang out with them. Now I'm not saying that all my friends have forgotten me, they haven't, but life is different now, things are definitely harder now. I'm learner to live life without a lot of people around me at all times like I had for the last five years at MACU... It's weird not having that and I love my quiet, but I do miss people being there to hang out with or to talk to.
I have listened and taken mental notes from so many speakers on marriage and how to keep it healthy. One big thing that I really want is to have a girl-friend that I can talk with, now that doesn't mean it's someone I can talk bad about Bryan to, no way, but a person whom I can vent with or just hang out with so I have another person who helps me grow as a follower of Christ, and I can help her as well. They always say it's good to have friends outside of just your spouse. I crave that. It's my blog, i'll be honest. I'm ready to move. I will miss Bryan's family especially his mom, who has shown me so much love, and I will miss other people. But I'm ready to be in a new state, with different things to do and makes new friends as a couple with Bryan. Also people who don't know the old me unless I want to let them know that shy girl and all the mistakes I made.
I'm ready for a start in a new place, just Bryan and I and I'm ready to let go of people in my life that I have come to realize that I depended on a whole lot and now that I'm married I dont have them, and that's ok. i've experienced anger and frustrations and sadness about it, but all in all realized that I'm just fine and I will be ok.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
work out plan
So I made a blog, thanks to my friend Nevan telling me to over and over to get one.
So I have some weight loss and what I guess you would call the drive to get healthier. Last week I started writing in my food journal again and today me and my husband have signed up at the Aspen athletic club. Well we have 30 free days there, and will decide at the end of the 30 days if we can afford to have a membership there. I'm hopeful, b/c I think when my back and knee start to hurt, which is usually what causes me to quit most the time, Bryan can push me to keep going. Well I hope he pushes me to keep going. I'm excited to work out, b/c I know it will eventually help me have a lot more energy and bring more positivity into my life which is currently crowded with looking for a job, and trying not to lose faith in the process.
So I have some weight loss and what I guess you would call the drive to get healthier. Last week I started writing in my food journal again and today me and my husband have signed up at the Aspen athletic club. Well we have 30 free days there, and will decide at the end of the 30 days if we can afford to have a membership there. I'm hopeful, b/c I think when my back and knee start to hurt, which is usually what causes me to quit most the time, Bryan can push me to keep going. Well I hope he pushes me to keep going. I'm excited to work out, b/c I know it will eventually help me have a lot more energy and bring more positivity into my life which is currently crowded with looking for a job, and trying not to lose faith in the process.
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